Hey, have you heard of Vine? (circa 2014)

Yeah, I know, Vine’s been around for some time, but I was interested in how the movie studios do high end promos with Vine so I did a bit of searching and…

I’m pretty sure they don’t use these people but I did and here’s the result. Yes, I still can’t let go of the Swordfish hacking scene, which remains one of the most hilarious scenes in any film ever.

Anyway, enjoy… maybe.

Ten things I’ve learnt about writing (from reading 50 Shades Of Grey)

So, I have failed to fulfil my promise of reading 50 Shades Of Grey.

Please understand, it’s not that I am bad at finishing things, or that I am lazy. I am both of these things, but for once, these are not to blame.

After some considerable effort, I got about halfway through the book, and you can get a very digested version of my reactions on this Storify page.  Hopefully my  read rage is a good indicator of what you’re letting yourself in for, should curiosity get the better of you.

But, I will say that it was fun live tweeting the 14 chapters I made it through, and lots of people were very complimentary about it (easily as many as those who begged me to stop).

In short though, what we can all take away from this is that 50 Shades Of Grey is not for me, and not even filth could save it.

But that’s not news, and talented folks like Katrina Lumsden have summed this up expressed this in brilliant, brilliant ways.

So, for what it’s worth, here are ten things I learnt about writing a book from reading 50 Shades.

1. Curling lips are not sexy


2. Long slender fingers are not sexy


3. In fact, too much focus on lips, fingers, and ‘deep unexplored places’ tends to conjure up the wrong imagery


4. If your protagonist’s experiences aren’t worth writing about, they’re not worth reading


5. Writing about your medulla oblongata is not sexy


6. If you’re going to write about musical discovery, you can go a bit further afield than The Best Classical Album Of The Millennium… Ever!


7. The phrase ‘Don’t worry, you expand too’ is not appropriate in any context. Ever.


8. Finding the right metaphor to describe your orgasm could, and should, require more than one attempt


9. Playing a piano while naked, is not sexy


10. Some people like these books – and that’s FINE*


*It isn’t

50 Shits Of Shit – Prologue

So, everyone is currently talking about 50 Shades Of Grey by [name of author – DO NOT FORGET IT’S IMPORTANT]. By all accounts, this book is a frequently saucy, but ultimately thoroughly shit bit of fan fiction which has somehow made it onto bookshelves, seemingly everywhere all at once.

Like an idiot, I bought the book with a view to writing an account of how it came over to the average man.

But based on the opening paragraph, I’m not even sure I can do this., Also, having read the descriptions of the novel’s male character; the dashing, mega-rich, sensitive, power-pervert Christopher Grey, I’m not even sure I am a man.

Here’s the opening paragraph, the indicator for the ride ahead; the springboard, if you will, into this novel’s world. Y’know, the world you want to escape to when reading the novel. This is what that world’s like:

“I scowl with frustration at myself in the mirror. Damn my hair – it just won’t behave, and damn Katherine Kavanagh for being ill and subjecting me to this ordeal. I should be studying for my final exams, which are next week. Yet here I am trying to brush my hair into submission. I must not sleep with it wet. I must not sle–”

You know what, you don’t need a paragraph. That’s hopefully enough of an indicator. And I have chosen to review this book, so that you don’t have to. Ever.

Shit.

Work Polls – Write, Or Pong?

The canteen where I currently work has been making lots of effort to engage with us, its patrons, in various ways, including a daily poll, asking people to vote by placing a ping pong ball in either a ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ jar.

I think it’s very nice and customer-focussed of them to do this. It also appears to be a gesture I wasn’t able to walk away from.

Here's one of the original questions posed

Here are... some others

I'm sorry

The one face of Shane Walsh – The Walking Dead

While catching up on Walking Dead last night, it occurred to me that Jon Bernthal’s facial expression has become fixed. This, I’m sure, is part of the unravelling of his character Shane Walsh. I was going to do a tumblr about this, but some other excellent fellow has published this: The Faces Of Shane Walsh, which pretty much covers it.

But the more I see of the show, the more I’m convinced of two things; firstly, that no zombie could ever chew through one of Jon’s earlobes, and secondly, that Shane/Jon actually just has one face. It’s a pretty awesome face though – take a look!